Let Slip the War of Dogs

It's important that you understand that I'm a fan of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

Back when we got cable, in the mid-70s, the options were few. WTBS had Atlanta Braves baseball and Ozzie & Harriet reruns. HBO had two movies, which they played twice, and the rest of the day showed a scroll listing the two movies they'd be playing that night. And USA had some weird show called Night Flight.

Oh, and they had the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. We had never seen anything like it. Two nights of nothing but dogs, with each breed's complete history (usually dating back to Scotland or Egypt) recited in the mellifluous tones of Roger Caras. It was the best thing on television, and it reached an all-time high in 1980, when the top prize when to a beautiful Siberian Husky. It became the ultimate appointment television. It's not unusual for January phone conversations with my parents to include the phrase, "So, are you gonna watch the dog show?"

They've tried to wreck it. They brought on David Frei to provide color commentary, which is a disaster, since he seems to think the show is about the dog handlers. They stuck us with Joe Garagiola for a while, which is like having Jeremy Irons narrate a Black History Month documentary. Worst of all, they tried to talk over Roger Caras, which was utterly unacceptable. And I'm not the only one who thought that, because he was eventually restored to his rightful place, which his successor still holds today.

Since I moved to Chicago, it's been harder and harder to catch the dog show. I have frequently had classes or shows or something that got in the way. I've taped it, but you can't watch the dog show on tape, any more than you can skip out on the World Series and expect it to have the same impact weeks later. But this year, my schedule has finally permitted me to watch the entire contest. And it's important you know this, because of the ugly truth I must relate to you.

The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is fixed.

No, I can't prove it with evidence or anything. But look at the Day 1 results and tell me the fix isn't in:

Working: The Akita - a precious dog forever ruined for me by Rent
Terrier: The Dandie Dinmont Terrier - with a topknot that resembles a makeup brush, and owned by Bill Cosby, a fact we've been force-fed for years
Toy: The Toy Poodle - because judges seem to love that stupid little eggbeater dog
Non-Sporting: The Standard Poodle

Let's just stop right there. Both poodles? BOTH? Look, the poodle is emblematic of everything that is wrong with dog shows. They shave the dog in weird ways, they stick the dog's hair in bows, and they call that the "breed standard". It would be like requiring Miss America contestants to get breast implants. (As opposed to it being optional like it is now.) And when they walk, they look like eggbeaters. It's a joke. Hundreds of beautiful dogs to choose from, and they consistently select the dog that has been intentionally altered to look like something it's not.

You think I just hate poodles. Not true. I do hate poodles, but I'm not wrong. There is a freaking plot.

You still don't believe me. Fine. Here's a fact. You can look it up: since 1924, either the Standard Poodle or the Miniature Poodle has won the Non-Sporting group 43 times. That's roughly half. The New York Yankees don't have this kind of success. Here's more: know how many Best-In-Shows poodles have won? Six. Know how many have been won by the Labrador Retriever, far and away the most popular dog in America? None. Zero. Zilch. Big fat goose egg.

Someone is trying to warp the taste of America. And not in a good way. Worse than the McGriddle.

I'm telling you, these judges are insular, and they're crazy, and I'm convinced they're being paid off by some coalition to make dogs look stupid. And you think I'm nuts, but I'm okay with that. Because this is important stuff.

As I write this, the prospects aren't getting any better. Our winners tonight include the English Springer Spaniel, which is the kind of dog that supposedly dictated a book to Barbara Bush, and something called a Petit Basset Griffon Vendeen, which is a hound in name only, and somewhat resembles former UN ambassador John Bolton. Only the Herding group can save us now (Go, Border Collie!), and they're the last of the night, so they always get screwed in Best-in-Show.

Fixed, I'm telling you.

Damn poodles.

UPDATE: Well, the powers of evil pushed their luck, handing the Herding group to the Bouvier des Flandres. Awful lot of French in this final 7. But in the end, they had to give the top prize to the English Springer Spaniel. Which was the best we could do. At least it wasn't a poodle.

Damn poodles.