THE DAMNED HUMAN RACE: An Open Letter to Osama bin Laden

Dear Mr. bin Laden,

Thanks for your latest message, which you dropped off with the offices of al-Jazeera. It's nice to know you're still alive out there. It means that we haven't been denied the satisfaction of killing you ourselves yet.

I'm sorry. That's a hostile beginning. You're hardly likely to listen to anything that starts out so threatening. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and realize that I only lash out in such an unconstructive manner because you're a colossal jag.

Look, I'm reading over the transcript of the tape you made about a month ago. The CIA has confirmed it's really you. In it, you announce that you're planning more attacks on the United States. But then you turn around and suggest a truce "with fair conditions." It's all very diplomatic of you.

Couple problems right off the bat. First off, the part about planning more attacks? Doesn't really make us likely to do business with you. We don't like being threatened, we don't like being made to fear for our lives or the lives of our loved ones, and we don't like bargaining wth a knife over our heads. We Americans are very particular about these things. Look, when football players holdout for a better contract, we take the side of the owners. You're on the wrong side of a bad tactic.

Second, when you force somebody to do something by threatening them, that's called extortion. That's a criminal act. So your "fair conditions" are predicated on something illegal. Hard to take an offer like that seriously.

But let's get to the real meat of this letter of yours. You've directed this to me and my friends, the American people, because "an overwhelming majority of you want the withdrawal of American troops from Iraq but (Bush) opposed that desire."

I see what you're trying to do. You've been watching the news, reading the papers, renting Fahrenheit 9/11 from Netflix. You've decided that enough of us hate our president so much, we'll thwart his policies if we think it's going to save us from another bomb. I gotcha. Foment dissent. Clever plan.

Only it doesn't work. You know this guy Saddam Hussein, who we seem convinced is a close personal friend of yours? He thought the same thing about America. He was dead certain that we weren't going to attack him. He watched C-SPAN, and he saw Congress bicker and argue, and he was positive that we would never get a consensus to attack Iraq.

That was in 1990. We got it together just fine.

But it's so simple, you say. "If I were president, I would stop the attacks on the United States: First I would apologize to all the widows and orphans and those who were tortured. Then I would announce that American interference in the nations of the world has ended."

Okay, huge problem with that. First of all, I don't recall any apologies to the widows and orphans of the passengers on four airplanes, or the workers in three office buildings. I don't believe you sent a condolence cards to the families of train passengers in Spain, or clubgoers in Bali. You've been awfully silent on that issue.

Second, let me take you back to September 10, 2001. There was no American interference in Iraq. We didn't like Saddam Hussein, but we didn't like Castro, either. We just snarled at them. And there was no interference in Afghanistan. You may recall, we sat by and watched as your friends in the Taliban blew up two enormous statues of Buddha. We weren't happy about it, but we looked the other way. So if you have a problem with American interference, I'd recommend dusting off a mirror. That's where you'll find the instigator.

I'll admit, you openly acknowledge that there's a trust issue. Why should we even consider this offer of yours? Very simple, you say. "We are a nation that God has forbidden to lie and cheat."

A, you're not a nation. You're a rich guy in a cave. And B, the lying isn't our biggest gripe. It's the killing. It's the bombing. It's the fact that you're a coward, and that you have no honor. That's where we really trip up on the whole trust thing.

Osama, here's the thing you absolutely have failed to grasp, and it's very important. We are a diverse country. We come from different backgrounds, have different interests, and hold wildly different beliefs. But if there is one thing we are united on, if there is one thing that the mass of Americans set aside their differences, come together and speak as one, it is that we despise you, sir, with a hate that could melt iron. Me and George Bush, when the day comes that we sit down to share some tasty barbecued brisket, we will have one thing that we can talk about without coming to blows, and that is how much we hate your guts. You're the ultimate uniter.

Look, when our President wants to generate support for his little excursion into Iraq, he couldn't ask for a better PR splash than to have you pop out of your hole and insist that we should leave now. We're ornery, and we will not give you the time of day. If you said that we could prevent more terrorist attacks by eating more meat, McDonald's would go out of business tomorrow. You, sir, are a disgusting piece of filth, and by continually baiting us, all you do is stoke the fire.

And I'll bet that's what you have in mind.

So this is my simple, humble request to you, Osama bin Laden. Shut up. Just shut the hell up. You've done quite enough. All you really want is hate and misery, and you get it everytime you open your cursed mouth. I say this to you as a person who believes in peace, who opposes the death penalty, and who prefers to take spiders outside rather than crushing them. And as such a person, I can assure you that if I were given the opportunity to push the button that ended your life, I'd do it. And that's only if I got picked ahead of the 200 million other Americans who called dibs.

So shut up. Say nothing. Do nothing. Just get caught. Get apprehended by some brave Marine, and face the judgment of the world, and vanish from the realm of human existence. That's how you can best serve the planet.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely yours,
Shane Wilson