THE DAMNED HUMAN RACE: Flood Warnings in Dover

Pat Robertson is a magnificent son of a bitch.

Before we get too deep into this, "The Damned Human Race" is the umbrella title I've chosen for commentary on current events. Back in college, I had a twice-weekly radio commentary that mined similar territory under the name "The Situation." I contemplated using that again, but that bitch Tucker Carlson stole it for his punk-ass show. So I've decided to start fresh. Besides, I consider it an upgrade. The new title, I stole from Mark Twain. The old? From the Fresh Prince. Movin' on up.

In any event, it's a very apt title, because "The Damned Human Race" is precisely how Reverend Pat thinks of us. He seems to feel that mankind is always just two steps away from being singed to a crisp by an angry and vengeful god. He prays for God to strike down intransigent Supreme Court justices. He draws on God's wisdom to select the world leaders deserving of assassination. And now, he plans to sit back and watch as God's wrath is meted out on the poor, pathetic heathens who go to the ballot box in Dover, Pennsylvania.

Pat Robertson on Dover; MSNBC Lets Reuters Do Their Work For Them

What I think of "intelligent design" is a rant for another time. What's really interesting here is the insight we're getting into the American mind. Here's how the story of Dover has unfolded thus far.

- Members of the Dover school board, possibly concerned that science does not reconcile with the teachings of their faith, but definitely concerned that evolution alone does not satisfactorily answer the question of "what shall we teach our children about how the world came to be," vote to include the notion of an almighty creator (not to be confused with an Almighty Creator, mind you) into the curriculum.
- Parents, thinking that this puts the school system in the position of teaching religious belief as scientific fact, sue the board in federal court for violating the separation of church and state.
- Voters, evidently deciding that their vote really does count, elect replacements for every single member of the board up for election. Eight incumbent. Eight defeats.
- A guy with a TV show, in a fit of pique over the very vocal rejection of this particular brand of activist politics, tells the voters, "Don't be surprised if something really bad happens to you."

It's a beautiful sight to behold. And it's perfectly in keeping with the current national standard of "If you disagree with me, then you are scarcely better than a syphillitic child molester with an Uzi and a seat on the board of Enron." There seems very little room for gray area in public debate. So why should God be particular? As Noah will tell you, God's not exactly particular about who he wipes out.

The thing is, the voters clearly were trying to find some gray area. We believe in God, they said. This just isn't the place for him. And that doesn't sit well with Pat Robertson. If it's not all God, then it must be all Satan.

And that's why Pat Robertson makes me smile. Sure, he got smacked around for saying the president of Venezuela should be murdered. But he just got up, dusted himself off, and went back for more. You really have to admire a guy who is willing to go on national television and joyfully reveal to the masses that he is just be so stupid. So intolerant. So comtemptuous of his fellow man. So very, very un-Christian. It's a bold stance that hardly anyone else would be willing to take. But Pat takes it proudly.

May Zeus bless and keep him.