BRIC-A-BRAC: The Gift Shop at Mecca

I like to think of myself as a fairly progressive guy. I think capitalism is better than communism, but I think Wal-Mart is a force for evil in our society. I like to live in the city, but I enjoy patronizing stores that don't belong to a chain. I would be very happy if I had a lot of money, but I don't believe that money makes you happy.

And yet -- god have mercy on my pitiful soul -- I love the Mall of America.

I lived in Minnesota for a little over a year, and the first time I finally made my way up to the Twin Cities, I did two things: I went to a Twins game, and I went to the Mall of America. (For those who know that the Mall stands on the ground once hallowed by Metropolitan Stadium, this must sound downright blasphemous.) It was love at first overwhelmed-by-mass-consumerism.

Everything about it is just a little ridiculous. The fact that the massive parking ramps have levels named for states, so you can repeatedly make the lousy joke (as I like to do), "Yeah, I'm parked out in California." Or "Everybody remember, we're parked in Texas." The fact that there are multiple Caribou Coffee shops throughout the Mall. And best of all, that there's a frickin' log flume ride in the middle. To say nothing of the fact that they decided to put this momument to spending in Bloomington, Minnesota. It's absurd. But it's just absurd enough to be charming.

My wife and I were in Minnesota this past weekend, so we went. You have to. It's there, and it draws you like a magnet. Plus, the complete lack of a sales tax is too good to pass up. Especially for people like us, who live in Chicago and pay the highest sales tax in the United States. Sure, it's hard to get everything on the plane. But it's so worth it. Even if the Christmas decorations were already up. (This was before Halloween. Maybe we should just never take them down.)

This is utterly embarrassing. I mean, it's a mall. Granted, it's a huge mall. Gi-normous. I explained it once as the equivalent of taking four malls and making them into a square. But that doesn't do it justice, because most malls aren't three stories. It's just huge, and it goes against everything I stand for. But everytime I walk in the doors, I get excited. I don't even buy that much. But just knowing that I could...

I'm so ashamed.

When we go back, we'll definitely ride the Ripsaw.